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In a stunning twist on traditional finance, hedge funds are now shorting wedding registries, betting big against couples they believe won’t make it to their first anniversary. “It’s the logical evolution of markets,” Bob Loblaw reports. “If we can short IPOs and tech startups, why not Cheryl and Brad’s artisanal pasta maker?”

The strategy involves analysts combing through registries for red flags: overly aspirational purchases (a $12,000 espresso machine for a studio apartment), mismatched styles (mid-century modern meets farmhouse chic), or even signs of financial irresponsibility like registering for luxury candles instead of basic kitchenware. “If they’re spending $300 on a single towel, their marriage is already on thin ice,” says one anonymous portfolio manager who’s reportedly amassed a $10 million position against the nuptials of a Tribeca couple.

Critics have called the practice “morally bankrupt,” but proponents argue it’s a necessary market correction. “If anything, we’re doing these couples a favor by pointing out their compatibility flaws early,” Loblaw notes. Meanwhile, boutique firms are cashing in by offering “Marriage Viability Ratings,” assigning grades from AAA (eternally stable) to D (don’t buy the blender yet). In response, major wedding websites have started issuing disclaimers: “Past performance of relationships is not indicative of future results.”

The Bob Loblaw Bottom Line: Forget GameStop—marital pessimism might just be the hottest trade of the decade.

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